how it is to be without excuse

a new beginning

2006-03-15T23:45:00.000-08:00

To the four of you who still pass by this site from time to time, BIG NEWS! I have officially ditched the blogger site here and have migrated to another new and improved site...my own! I am now located at grahamkervin.net where I have expanded the channels of content and hope to exercise a lot more diversity in the types of stuff I post about and highlight. I apologize for the havoc this wreaks with your bookmarks, but I think it'll be for the best. Thanks for your support.

laughed til i cried

2006-02-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

the award for the funniest commercial from the superbowl this year has to go to the fedex "prehistoric mail service". for my money it doesn't get any better than seeing a caveman punt a dinosaur.... however, ameriquest's "that killed him" almost cost me a mouthful of food to the back of the person's head sitting in front of me. ahhh, humor:)

a letter to John Steinbeck

2006-01-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

dear mr. steinbeck,

it is with much humility and much objectless gazing that i sit down to right this epistle of sorts. i have been a respecter of your writings for many years now, ever since i first opened the cover of the grapes of wrath, and having now finished my sojourn though your east of eden i must try to sift my thoughts, feeling the grit of their sand between my fingers. you have struck some thick chords within me, and i will try to capture only a few of their harmonies for the moment, for i think i will have to wait some time for the vibrations to reach the deeper and more recessed areas, and by that point i may have amended these reflections several times over.

with a certain measure of prophecy you write that the story is true that we can feel in ourselves and that we can feel is true of us; only then does it have power. only then may we call it truth. now you imbed this claim within the epic reliving of the cain-abel story, for your novel's characters find in the spare details of this story the raw stuff of timeless appeal, a kind of fulcrum for the ceaseless pendulum of the human event. i think that 'appeal' is the right word for it, too, because like job's elemental consternation we want in full what we cannot have. (we have a difficult enough time with even the few fragments we receive.) certain parts of the telling never quite add up and we find ourselves continually coming back to dig a little bit more, to survey the crime scene one more time, seeking out the kernels of truth that will--against all hope--make sense this time.

i lately find myself repeating the words of pilate, what is truth? i know what i think it to mean--or at least am told what it means, but i wonder about such simple answers. like adam trask, i suppose that i, too, fear those kinds of simple things, for Truth is too elusive a quarry, too jealously guarded a wage to be lightly nailed down and dissected. i suppose it's a bit like cupping water in our hands: no matter how tightly we clench our muscles and bunch the folds of our palms, the water always manages to seep through, leaving us only with wet hands and trace amounts of something once satisfying. we never really find truth, we just hold onto it for a moment before it escapes and entices us to begin again the chase. but the pursuit is by no means futile; it merely changes the nature of its content. as we progress, so does it. and it leaves us little markers along the way so that we may identify the path and not lose hope, if only to stop and to rest and to take it in for a moment.

this is not to say that truth is different for every person, for if this were the case Truth would merely be an exercise in self-fulfillment and, at worst, become the self-love of idolatry. if i read you correctly, sir, Truth draws us outward from ourselves and into something infintely greater than ourselves. this seems to make sense, for what good would a story be if it captured nothing of common human wisdom and experience? for instance, we can imagine ourselves in salinas, california, because we have some reference of what the west is like. we can empathize with the members of the trask and hamilton families because we know what it is like to have fathers and mothers and siblings and children. and like cain and abel, we can understand the magnitude a single choice because we know firsthand the processes of rejection, revenge, and guilt that may accompany that choice. these are familiar stories to us, and on a grander scale the story of the israelites is our story because we can take part in its agonies and its joys, its victories and its defeats between every inhale and exhale of our lungs. it is the human story. it is about one person and includes all persons. and the pursuit of Truth is about taking hold of our place in that story and making a claim upon it--finding our little footnote in the human story and stamping our will upon it. it taps into the currents of human existence and acknowledges that something powerful is at stake in the unfolding of events in a life. we may assume that some sort of supernatural scaffolding lies just under the surface, but we have to earn a peek at it by feeling our way and understanding that everything comes down to one single choice, which will be succeeded by another single choice, and another until we have forged a destiny for ourselves that either respects or ignores that shared accumulation of wisdom.

herein lies the importance of the naming scene for adam trask's sons. a name is an intervention into life that invokes a person's destiny with a fixed point of origin. it is not a prescriptive act, but is one that demands possession, and with this sense of personal ownership comes the casting of identity. everyone needs a peg on which to hang their hat, but we may decide what kind of hat to hang. it is not the name that consigns us to a fate, but it is up to us to determine how that name will be employed and how people will remember its taste long after we have passed on. it may inspire nobility but it does not require it, just as it may carry the hint of evil but does not supply it the means. after all, cain is perhaps the most notorious name in human history (and worn by only one individual), but the reason for this is perhaps because no one has had the courage to reforge it, to invest it with a new identity. the name does not create, we create the name. what we do with that name is what drives the great machine. how we live, the decisions that we make, and the legacy that we leave behind earn us the right to become great, and it earns us the right to be damned.

and so i come back to the question, sir, what is truth? i can't with any certainty say that it is something hard and fast, at least not in conventional terms. we can affirm all day long and into the night that jesus is the christ, but that only declares the name, uttering 'christness' into existence. and this of course leads us to the next question, what is christness? (this, too, is only a word, which will only lead to another question, and another). but the christ story only rings true because it feels true; it taps into our story, the one filled wth gaps and rough spots. deep within ourselves we feel, we know, that it is true, and so we seek it out, attempting to dress with our own flesh the essence of the basic human story that has been redeemed and rewritten by jesus. and we govern the telling of that story with heightened sincerity, for we possess the power to create and destroy, to build up and to tear down; we possess the power to choose. and this, i believe, is how the winding path of Truth reveals itself to us, one choice at a time, giving us the option to rule over sin or to be ruled by it. it is our choice. it is what makes us human and carves out our identity as individuals from the sediment of apathy. and it won't be the final solution for Truth, of course, but it least it's something.

timshel, mr. steinbeck. timshel.

graham kervin

the religious 4-letter word (give or take)

2005-10-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

okay, try this on for size. raise your hand if you like the term 'evangelism'. go on, don't be afraid. hmm, not too many takers, i see (even my hand is down). i think the problem is that in so much of our 'churching' of the idea of evangelism we have truncated this 10-letter word into somewhat of a 4-letter word. it has become something dirty and bitter in our mouths, for poor and ridiculous efforts by Christians to seek and save the lost throughout history have befouled its main purpose. evangelism is not about a method. it is not about knocking on doors and hurling propositions at a person until they succumb to belief in God, nor does it involve mugging someone at the mall with threats of damnation and sinfulness. it doesn't require any kind of flipping on of the 'evangelism' switch whenever we are apart from other Christians. it is simply the bringing of good news. that's it.

in my ethics class the other day we got off onto the topic of evangelism and my professor made a rather profound point. in our relationships with non-Christian people we often feel the need to bracket out our Christianity so as not to offend them or (heaven forbid) be labeled as a Jesus freak. we want to create friendships that exist on a kind of neutral moral plane, where neither person ever has to stand for anything or bring up uncomfortable and awkward topics. (if we can just relegate our evangelism to being "lights in the world," with our Christian music posters and the occasional verse scribbled on a bulletin board, then we can all peacefully coexist. but my professor put the question to us, "what kind of relationship is this?" if Christianity is as much a part of our identities as we say it is, then there should be no way to avoid our Christianity emanating out of who we are. does the commitment we make to Christ from the moment of our conversion suffuse everything that we do, think, and say?

there should be no question of whether or not we are a Christian when we meet people and get to know them. and again, this doesn't mean oozing sappy Christian epithets into conversation every chance we get; it just means being real and authentic about the life decision we have made. are we being honest in our friendships with the world if we can't be honest about who we are and allow them to be as honest as they are? no one grows if people merely swap catch phrases and trite definitions. people grow because they are willing to think about and discuss the true essences of things, and it would seem that, as Christians and having spiritual access to the undercurrent of the created order, we have something meaningful and valuable to offer. we have salvation and a new story to lead us forward; we have faith in the one who has conquered death and the tentacles it has wrapped around everything the world sees and believes. we have peace that nothing can touch, and that's good news.

tune in, tokyo

2005-10-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

after a long and, well, not so much needed sabbatical from the blogworld i will make the moment of my resurfacing a momentous one with some well-thought through and hardly spontaneous music reviews. i know, it's been a while and couldn't i have posted something more meaningful and erudite than discussing music of all things? well, considering that, for me at least, musicness is next to godliness (who really voted for cleanliness, anyway?), by reading a little bit about what floats my auditory boat, you might as well be tapping into the fibers of my soul and peering into my inner depths. and who knows, maybe you'll pick up on a little something extra for your drive home.

as suzy mentioned in a previous post, death cab for cutie released their long-awaited follow-up album 'plans' a few weeks ago to a hungry audience with outstretched hands. since their last album 'transatlanticism' they have signed to a major label and while this move toward notoriety can be detrimental to many bands, dcfc does not seem to have skipped a beat in making fine music. for those of you who are and those of you who aren't familiar with them, 'plans' is a definite step toward an even greater maturity, and this album's sound and production quality finds a place right between the postal service's 'give up' and coldplay's new 'x&y'. and it's amazing. from the opening track to the last, the listener buys a ticket aboard an ephemeral rollercoaster, chasing after emotional indulgence and impassioned expectancy. this album (along with 'transatlanticism') is a must have for anyone who has ever found themselves on the quietr side of mellow.

two weeks ago coheed and cambria dropped their heavily anticipated 'good apollo i'm burning star IV: volume I' and, well.... to be honest i haven't made up my mind. the two main tracks they have released are really solid and fun to turn the volume up for. but the rest of the album is an incredibly musically complex assortment of tunes that just don't have the wider appeal like 'in keeping secrets' did. i'm still trying to keep an open mind about it, and i'm sure i will eventually come to the point where i ever questioned its brilliance. but they have really stepped up the music aspect of this album. their classical influences ring clearly throughout, showcasing guitar and bass solos from time to time, and i really have no idea how you would even begin to tab their songs. the overall tone of the album is darker than previous albums (heart of darkness, anyone?), but there are moments of sheer optimism, including the last part of the last song, which breaks into an unexpected bluegrass jam session at the end - complete with barking dog. so anywho, do i recommend it? okay, maybe so, but don't take my word for it.

jimmy eat world released a new ep this week called 'stay on my side tonight,' which whet my appetite immensely. for those of you who might have heard their remake of prodigy's 'firestarter' imagine 5 songs pumping the same blood. it's certainly more mellow that 'futures' and definitely tinged with cynicism toward, well, what else?, relationships, but this little gem proves that their is life after mtv and that they can return to doing what they do best, putting into musical terms the definitions of things we have a hard time putting into words. for the jimmy die-hards like myself, do not pass this ep by.

also, straylight run composed an ep named 'prepare to be wrong' that adds a beautiful complement to their self-titled full length. this latest project actually seems a bit more cohesive than the former, though, keeping the musical unity a little tighter than some of the mood swings we heard before. if they can keep up the momentum heard here, i think we can expect incredible things from these guys (and girl).

well, i think that'll do for now. of course this is but the tip of the iceberg for my latest musical acquisitions, but if i commented on every cd i laid my ears to, i suppose the whole blog would not have room for the reviews that would be written. it was good talking at you again, and i promise that future posts will come more regularly and with more accessible or provocative material. so peace out, i'm eating breakfast.

warped and loving it

2005-08-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

i think i have now finally recovered from the greatest circus on earth, the vans' warped tour. for those of you not quite familiar with the warped tour (and thinking to yourself, "weren't vans' a kind of shoe back in the 90s?"), this is a traveling concert that showcases only the choicest punk/indie/emo bands, along with their merchandise tents, record label booths, and other random vendors of music-related paraphernalia. and, oh my goodness, it rocked my face off. seriously, over 60 bands play on the main stages, and dozens more local bands come and play to get themselves heard and attract fan bases, and these bands are synchronized in perfect sequential harmony as every band gets a 30-minute show before rotating off so another band can get their moment in the sun. it's amazing. among many other bands, i stood in slack-jawed amazement before the likes of hawthorne heights, mae, avenged 7X, thrice, acceptance, this day and age, funeral for a friend, over it, fall out boy, the offspring, and reggie and the full effect. just going through the line-up again brings a tear to the eye...and a drop of blood to the ear. sheesh, i think i seriously shortened the life expectancy of my hearing, but it was worth it to leave my eardrums in a gravelly field in northern VA to seize the opportunity to shout along to 'ohio is for lovers' or 'come out and play.'

and on a side note, though i should have expected it i was still blown away by the thosands upon thousands of body piercings that paraded around. now, speaking as an ex-facial piercer (twice actually), i feel i can comment in my own right, but with some of these kids i just have to ask not 'why?' but 'how?' i would hate to see the piercing gun that could bore that into your head. and the whole ear-widener disc things? what? i must have missed the memo declaring that permanent hula hoops in your earlobes was a 'good thing'. and the completely random tattoo assortment was mind-boggling. skulls, mythical creatures, barbed wire, band names, and butterflies occurred most frequently, and, amusingly enough, i even saw a couple misspellings. i have no problem with tats, but honestly people, these things are permanent - make them worth the ink.

so, leaving with a fistful of cds, posters, and stickers and a little more discretion concerning body adornment, warped tour '05 rocked my socks off and i should be well-satiated on the concert scene for quite some time (until funeral for a friend and anberlin hit dallas in october, that is). until then i'll just keep praying that my auditory canal can find the fluid to forgive me.

play that funky music, whitebread

2005-08-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

inspired by sammie's call for new music and realizing my own oversight in turning the world on to, as hannah would call them, 'under the radar' audio nuggets, i believe it's time to yet again to throw out some unsolicited music reviews. you ready for this? cuz, hooboy, i sure am:)

without a doubt, the best cd i have purchased this summer is tegan and sara's "so jealous." this is a two sister outfit (a white stripes kinda thing, though i think they have friends come and contribute to different songs where needed), and while one might not label their singing ability as "beautiful" by amerian idol standards, their vocal skills are wonderful in their own right, and the harmonies they create are immaculate. their homegrown though polished indie/emo blend is probably not for all listeners, but great lyrics, great variety, and hooks that latch into the recesses of your brain all combine into the single greatest - and rather unexpected - cd i have discovered in months.

the all-american rejects finally released their sophomore album "move along" a few weeks ago, and it lives up to every bit of hype it could have received. very user friendly songs and a matured band integration have pushed the band beyond the reach of any sophomore jynx that might have threatened to eclipse their 15 minutes of stardom. in a similar musical vein, houston calls put out their first full-length disc "a collection of short stories" after a highly-praised and very sucessful debut ep. a little more punk than pop (but ALL fun), great vocal flexibility and a standout drummer carry these guys a long way.

for those of you who have seen 'garden state' or at least heard its stunning soundtrack you might recall the delicate and calming strains of 'let go' by frou frou. on an almost whim i picked up her cd "details" at my neighborhood best buy and was completely blown away. the album is a masterpiece from start to finish. now it's true that i'm a sucker for chick rock, but this transcends anything alanis or kelly clarkson might attempt. closer to sarah mclaughlin than anything else, her songs are wispy, ephemeral, and wholly grounded at the same time. it's the perfect mellow, chillin' out during the tail end of sunset kind of disc and i urge you to check it out.

and though i try to resist mainstream whenever i can, i broke down and bought (you see where my paycheck goes, sheesh) coldplay's "x&y". and i was satisfied. i had heard their other cds via mitch, so i knew what to expect, but this album felt altogether more mature and experimental than its predecessors. there are several standout tracks, and for the right mood coldplay hits the spot like lemonade on a hot day, but like jack johnson i can't see it in too constant a rotation.

my surprise purchase for the summer goes to the cure. after hearing their song 'so close to me' in my head for a week i picked up the "greatest hits" cd and was really amazed. it's chock full of the oldies but goodies, along with some more recent songs sprinkled in for good measure, and you never know when you need to fill a prescription with, no, not more cowbell, but with the right cure.

well, that's it for now, but if any of you check out just one of these cds i will feel like i have accomplished something great. but don't take my word for it.

also, i have pasted a music video player at the bottom of my blog - no, you're not just hearing things - with songs by jimmy eat world ('work'), coheed and cambria ('a favor house atlantic'), and taking back sunday ('a decade under the influence'). enjoy.

the spirit of the LORD

2005-08-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

it has been far too long since i have posted and it is now time to resurface after a sabbatical of work camps, vbs, and weekend excursions. but i've been thinking about this post for some time now, turning it over in my head again and again to catch it in different lighting conditions, pushing here, prodding there, trying to figure out how exactly to get this out. so i'll just begin and see where i go from here.

the phrase "the spirit of the LORD" appears 24 times in the NIV bible and always with the connotation of great strength or empowerment. except the one time. (there's always a one time.) but this anomaly is rather important for putting the others into context, and it flows from paul's pen in 2 corinthians 3:17: "now the lord is the spirit, and where the spirit of the lord is, there is freedom." in our current religious jargon we seldom speak of the spirit other than to refer perhaps to the ephemeral gush of wind that blows here and there and oftentimes right out of our minds altogether. this is not to say that i am innocent of such a glaring oversight, too, but recent events have given me pause in reflecting on the forgotten and ofetn compromised nature of the spirit and the spirit-ual life.

as i mentioned, the spirit of the LORD generally makes its cameo in OT settings during moments where the main protagonist is about to buckle under weakness. and then, just as hope of victory seems all but lost, the spirit of the LORD descends upon the character to deliver superhuman strength, confidence, and intentionality. the spirit empowers. it animates. it strengthens, and, if i were to be so cavalier, i might say that the spirit in these occasions seems to arrive as a bouncing star for super mario to grab and trounce his enemies. but while it does provide much needed strength (sometimes even physical), it gives strength with a clear and immediate purpose, and the verse in corinthians corrects any tendency we might have to mistake the spirit for a magical power-up.

paul speaks of freedom as something adjacent to or following the spirit, which he closely associates with jesus himself. so while it might be easy to mathematically ally the coming on of the spirit with unbridled freedom, the context of the verse conditions freedom as a now unrestricted ability to be transformed into christ's likeness. well that sure puts a damper on things, doesn't it? how are the liberties that we couple with freedom available to us if we're supposed to really be using it to align our lives to ones of submission, selflessness, and humility?

but this is where our modern language of freedom fails us. the biblical notion of freedom far surpasses anything we might gain from constitutional privileges, though we typically mute in bible classes the static this produces for us. paul's equation of freedom with the spirit of the LORD caps the preceding verses that take great pains to make clear to us that the way of righteousness is more glorious than anything we can imagine or could possibly desire. it, in fact, surpasses all that we deem as glorious now, which, to my imagining, would have to be pretty darn spectacular.

but righteousness is not something we attain overnight or even during a weekend retreat. it requires the long and painful process of sanctification, which we must endure with help by the spirit of the LORD. but sanctification is necessary in order to receive the full benefits and blessings that come from the LORD, for the gifts of strength, honor, and glory did not come to the affected OT characters without the right attitude in place beforehand. only with contrite and devoted hearts prepared by the spirit of righteousness did they receive their blessings, in order that they might then use that empowerment for the specific work of the LORD. strength with a clear and immediate purpose.

so how might we enter the process of sanctification, of purifying ourselves of false freedoms, so that we, too, might receive the strength of the LORD and take part in his glory working? what do we need to give up, to deny ourselves, in accordance with our new freedom? is it financial? is it material or is it emotional attachments? is it our indiscretion in movies and music? is it sexual? what kind of friction does the challenge of sanctfication create? and with pure hearts and restored vision, how might we carry the banner of the LORD into righteous battle as gideon or jephthah, or proclaim the word of life boldly like isaiah or ezekiel? and then how do we encourage that sanctification in others? are we holding up others from growing up into maturity?

all i have is questions, but i feel that somehow the answers we seek so urgently are simply waiting for us to step firmly though humbly into the grand mystery of God. we just need to lift our feet and feel the momentum that the spirit provides.

new wings

2005-07-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

i apologize for the delay in posting any new fresh material - i went to richmond this past week with the youth group as a chaperone to help them in their week long work camp. the main objective of the week was to isolate several rundown houses in an area of richmond (as deemed worthy by the city), scrape off the old paint, and repaint each house so that it can give its residents a few more years of comfort. we would work all day, pausing only for lunch, and during the evenings we would meet at various locations for dinner, devos, and recuperation times. and it was an incredibly uplifting time for me. being removed from the youth group by a few years i have feared for a while that i had lost my connection with the teens and had somehow gotten too old to be able to relate with them. this week taught me that those fears were deeply unfounded.

i love these fairfax kids. i love the time i was able to spend with them and to see their hearts and energy poured out in service to the Lord and one another. and my prayer will be to dedicate myself from this point on to encouraging their spiritual maturity, heeding the life of Christ and the leadings of the Spirit, and revealing how the life of a Christian servant can manifest into real life and in real situations. i want to be able to model for these kids the life of faith, walking confidently in the Lord, admitting my mistakes along the way, and moving forward with weakness as my strength. may God bless these young Christians, guiding their hearts every step of the way.

a little graphic

2005-07-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

for about two years now i have ventured into the realm of graphic design (at least in the spare moments i can scrape together from time to time), something that begin in the ol' architecture days with my introduction to adobe photoshop. i have posted a few of my early designs on my photo blog and will continue to add more as i ready and/or create them. please take a moment to browse over and take a gander. enjoy.

call waiting

2005-07-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

last night i received an unexpected call from my friend casey. after a few seconds of complete bewilderment i quickly realized that he was calling me from the middle of the lovedrug/eisley show in dallas and that i was being graciously awarded the chance to hear "pretend your alive," a lovedrug favorite. thank you for this rare opportunity, casey.

but this cellular gift is colliding with some uncomfortable thoughts i have been chewing on for several day now. do you ever feel like you're trespassing on someone else's dream? like you want so badly to be a part of something else but you know down deep that you are still a stranger, a visitor in someone else's reality? and you can stop and close your eyes and imagine the smells, the temperature, and every other sensory contour that contributes to the making of this place, but, unavoidably, these are simply counterfeit because they are not your own. you have only borrowed them for a time to help you take shelter beneath an artificial meaning and purpose. and as much as you would like to stay, it pains you to admit that you have wandered deeply into a place you don't really belong and that your way lies more clearly on the other side of the fence you have just hopped.

i stand in a moment of indecision. much like being john malkovich, i fear i am living someone else's dream and using borrowed resources to guide me and to encounter my world with predisposed parameters. am i, in fact, pretending i'm alive? to this point i have ceded to live under certain assumptions and expectations and have put forth much energy to securing my citizenship within this other dream. and yet my place in this great machine, with all its gears and moving parts, still feels foreign and awkward, and i fear that my little cog doesn't belong. but as i look around me for a way to weld over the dissonance it seems easier to just pull out, to pull the plug and run on my own batteries for a while. but is unplugging, retracing my steps back to the clearer way, really the safer or nobler bet? like the parable of the talents, is abandoning the stability of all that i have built up a responsible use of what i have been given?

maybe not, but at least it would feel honest, and that counts for something, doesn't it?

with a head full of swirling thoughts and competing 'goods,' the chorus from tegan and sara's 'fix you up' follows after me:

"there's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in,
and there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it."

guardin' state

2005-07-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

a couple nights ago i sat down and watched 'garden state.' now this flick is the quintessential anthem for the postmodern generation, exploring the depths of all those existential quandaries such as thinking vs. feeling, being vs. doing, and marking the poignant differences between life and living. and coupled with a phenomenal soundtrack, it works really well. it chronicles the emotionally numb reality of andrew and his return home to new jersey after the passing of his mother. once home again, he is challenged to face the friends and family he fled so long ago in efforts to figure it all out on his own in l.a. home only a short time, though, andrew soon meets sam(antha), a girl with her own convoluted emotional issues, and the intersection of their lives brings welcome healing and emotional release to their otherwise vacant and incomplete lives.

now the rub of it for me comes right at the hinge point in the waiting room of the local doctor's office. andrew has left his medication back in l.a. and has come to get a new prescription, but, after meeting sam in the waiting room, he now faces the monumental decision of settling for the familiar though deadened medicated existence or daring to live, daring to step out in uncertainty, unsure of what might happen.

i think this has to be the biggest struggle i contend with in my faith. when are we ever 'ready' to step out and be jesus for others? when have we ever got our ducks in a row enough to be unwaveringly confident in our abilities and skills, knowing that NOW i have crossed that threshold of indecision and doubt, never to return? yeah, right. personally, i have notoriously sheltered myself behind a guarded shell of 'the learning stage,' deluding my spirit into thinking that if i only read this much more of my bible, or have thought through these complicated theological issues, or ridden this spiritual high for this amount of time, THEN i will be ready to minister to others, because i'll have figured it all out and it's only then a matter of downloading it into other people. it's amazing, though, how the more we learn and understand, the more questions we have, and the further into the distance the extremity of reason recedes. we'll never know just enough. we'll never have exhausted every existential discussion to the point of finality. the search just leads us other places.

so what do we do about this? well, we simply deny ourselves the medication. we dare to live our christianity beyond what the learning curve might suggest we're capable of. if we wait until we are healthy enough to resist the pathogens of uncertainty we will never leave the sickbed. we just have to live it and not look back. dare to enter the lives of others and learn about God and ourselves without having to pretend we know exactly what we're doing. do we honestly believe that fisherman and tax collectors knew precisely what they were going to say when speaking about jesus before crowds, cynics, and governing authorities? i should think not, but their trust in God to supply them with the words to say at that moment and the downtime later to meditate on what they learned in the process merits some attention. we must not deceive ourselves into thinking that in order to be a responsible and successful mininster to others we have to have reached a certain level of preparation, because we'll never get there on our own. we have to step out and enter the life of the spirit, joining it where it is working, and be willing to face whatever comes without reservation.

now that's tough medicine.

spilt milk indeed

2005-06-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

there comes a time in every conflict when one person must recognize their defeat and concede to the other party, in this case the republicans. since moving to northern virginia i have seen an unbelievable amount of anti-george w. bush paraphernalia zoomng around the roadways in the form of bumper stickers. now, historically, i have never been one to meddle in political affairs. frankly, i wouldn't know where to begin, and in all honesty it really doesn't interest me. i may be an ostrich with my head in the sand, but so be it, my citizenship is in heaven, right? (please allow me this tiny joke so that i may proceed unencumbered by your vehement ridicule.) and i do understand that, especially in this part of the country, political loyalties are more definitive and identity-forming, but to the ultranationalist contingent of die-hard democrats out there: get over it, bush won! no matter how many bumper stickers you put on the back of your trucks next to your gun rack and 'my child is an honor student' stickers, the election was decided months ago - suck it up and move on!

there is a certain maturity that should accompany a loss of any importance, and continuing to revel in anguish over the unfairness of a democratic system that would allow a man from texas to ascend the presidential throne not once but twice is crying over spilt milk that seeped into the floorboards, curdled, and produced a young cheese. it's not like bush swapped out ballot boxes when all the votes were in - he won both the popular vote and the electoral college, and no amount of whining or bumper stickering is going to alter that fact. he is an intelligent man, he does have a clue what he's doing, and, yes, he does have a soul. so please, all you fiery and embittered democrats, please realize that your bumper stickers do nothing but label your stubborness and broadcast your poor sportsmanship. because frankly, i don't think kerry/edwards still have much of a chance in 2004.

can you spare some change?

2005-06-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

it's amazing what you can discover when you let people into your wierd little world. i was walking along pennsylvania avenue the other day on my way to the national mall when a man accosted me seeking spare change. for those of you familiar with these permanent squatters placed strategically around washington - or really any other urban center, you can appreciate the irritation that accompanies the person seeking your pocket money. after all, do i look like an atm? so when he inquired as to the disposability of my liquid assets i instinctively said 'sorry' and kept walking. (while this may seem callous to some readers, you must know that the vast majority of the time i really don't have anything in my wallet, let alone my pocket, so this wasn't an altogether bunk response. i did remember, though - after the fact, of course - that i did actually have a rather sizeable amount in my wallet, but by this point the damage was done.) nonplussed by my reply, though, he kept walking alongside me, so i decided to actually swallow my ego and treat him as an actual, real person, asking him how he was otherwise. he seemed a bit down and said, 'well, sometimes i wonder if this is all really worth following jesus.' i remained silent, not sure whether he was serious or just calling my bluff. he continued: 'it's not God - i believe in God, if there is one - it's people.'

let this simmer for a second.

now i'm not one to miss an opportunity to find chewable, bite-sized spiritual nuggets in everyday experiences, but i was wholly unprepared to find such simple yet resounding theology in a situation that i would normally dismiss as an unpleasant byproduct of social evolution. it's not God, it's people.

for many months now i have wrestled with issues of theodicy, of finding reasons for evil and sadness in the world. ultimately this is an impossible task since our grasp of divine reality is limited by the confines of this temporality. in other words, God is just too big for our brains to handle. but whatever helps us sleep better at night, right? but theodicy does matter because it can make or break a functional view of God, especially when trying to evangelize to others with a completely different set of assumptions and experiences that seem valid enough to them. during the course of studying philosophy, as well as the plight of job, i have had to throw out many of the shallow and incompatible burdens of existence i had put on God in order to rescue his sovereignty from layers and layers of contradiction and blasphemy. it's a bit like picking the scab off of a wound so that the new skin beneath might breathe and grow, and about as painful.

but as far as we can humanly 'know' God, putting philosophical labels on God or constructing a logical, failsafe 'God' armature is really dodging the issue. our task on earth is not to unravel the mysteries of the cosmos (we do only use 10% of our brain...) but to bring people into personal relationship with that awe-some creator through his son jesus. but when we expend all of our energies in defogging the divine mirror, all we see is our own reflection staring right back at us. our duty as christians, as ones following christ - the washer of feet and toucher of lepers - is to reach out to our own humanity and channel a God that transcends cognition (thankfully), rewriting a theodicy that includes ourselves as the prime antagonists to the divine plan. we see bad things happen and blame them on a god who doesn't care or who is too distant to step in and help while we sit back and change the channel during the commercial break. but then we're all too willing to accept our own praise when we do something good for others, thanking god that we are able to see the inabilities of others and can take time out to offer charity. our God becomes our own scapegoat because our eyes have failed to see that we are the ones responsible for all this mess and that God has to endure us not caring, watching us distance ourselves from compassion, words of kindness, and the spirit of God.

it's not God, it's people. a bum showed me that, and i thank him for his contribution to my spiritual education.

asphalt woes

2005-06-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

well, after spending a delightful 4 hours traversing that paved wonderland we call 495, i think my suspension has been succesfully reclaimed by the highway department. i appreciate their efforts, and i'm glad i could donate to the project from what meager automotive resources i have.

but seriously forks, i have a newfound and instantaneous respect for the daily thousands who make any kind of commute around this slightly overpoplated megalopolis. spending the past 7 years of my life between arkansas and the armpit of west texas, i simply don't think it's in my wiring to handle it. i was actually in 'park' for ten minutes on the wilson bridge today counting how many dozen potholes (and by potholes i mean cratered landmine remnants) were in my immediate line of sight. i gave up before i entered a depression not even modern medicine would be able to cure.

patience is one of those gifts of the spirit that i have not yet learned to define. we always pray for more patience in our lives so long as the training ground doesn't involve factors of time, other people, stretching ourselves, or, my own personal favorite, traffic. and most of us write it off, too, don't we? "well, i just don't have any patience, and i can live with that. now everyone get out of my way, i'm late for church." yeah, we've all been there. and it's not something we especially want to pray for, is it? because who wants to invite upon themselves situations that specifically target that one nasty little patience nerve? jack johnson seems to soothe this savage beast during rush hour, but what about every other moment in life where things don't play out as neatly as we had planned?

what is peter really talking about when he implores us to 'regard the patience of our Lord as salvation' (2 peter 3:15)? this is probably when i would turn to my neighbor and say, "you hear that? he's talking to you...." but it does put things into a sensible, albeit painful, new perspective. if jesus, who knew all along his innate divinity, could walk among us, break bread with apostles who were going to betray him and flee from his defense in a matter of hours, and embrace the cross with reverent submission (hebrews 5:7), then i suppose i could possibly endure someone failing to signal before merging in front of me. then i could stop racing home from things in order to have more 'me' time. and then i could stop looking at those moments in between 'real' life as simply filler and instead as unanticipated units of life.

these units are the core of evangelism, though, aren't they? take jairus and his dying daughter. this dude was just trying to get jesus to his house to save his child but just when the coast was clearing jesus stops to heal some pathetic outcast who couldn't stop bleeding. i wonder how transparent jairus' patience was.... but this was juicy gospel stuff. this was unanticipated evangelism, which resulted in even more of God's glory shown to the world. and whose salvation does peter even refer to? is it ours, or is the Lord's patience really meant for others' salvation? looking at it this way, the fruit of patience shifts away from our own wants to the incarnation of jesus in the world. maybe there is something to be said about construction zones and red lights, after all. well, that might be pushing it....

the highways and byways

2005-06-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

i had a long conversation with neal the other day and have decided that ministry is not such a scary thing after all. i can hear the collective 'duh!' echo behind my chair as i type this, but like entering any discomfort zone i had to give myself a bit of a ministerial pep rally. before my tires ever hit virginia asphalt i had built up this internship into a complex and entirely intimidating animal, blown entirely out of proportion. three weeks into it, though, the haze has cleared quite a bit and i can see that my feet never left the ground at all. i was standing firm the whole time and just had to suck it up for a while before i could realize it.

so i am, after all, really enjoying what i'm doing. i have discovered new confidence in teaching and am getting used to being in the spotlight more often than i would be ordinarily. and if nothing else, i am learning how to bite the bullet and deal with the details. but more than anything, i'm learning that bringing the gospel to the world is not such an overwhelming feat anymore. sure, i can stand before christians and talk about religion and spirituality all day long if needs be, but once we exit the church building all those securities seem to be in shorter supply. i think i have traditionally operated in an evagelistic 'defensive driving' mode, making sure i am in control of the situation at all times before it ever arrives. but the more i backpedal and the more i cross my biblical t's and dot my i's, the more i withdraw from the front lines without even realizing it. like driving in houston or d.c., christianity must be about offensive driving. we must actually seek and not wait to be found by a world that simply won't wait around for us to be good and ready. and i wouldn't exactly say i'm the jeremiah type with the urgency to proclaim God's word burning in my bones like fire, but i think we christians should at least feel some sparks.

neal spoke of how he tries to invite someone to church every day, and the way he talked about it, he really made it sound as though evangelism could be done by normal people with normal people. imagine that. just talk to your waiters and waitresses. chat with people who check you out at the grocery store. let people help you. this last one threw me off since i usually pride my gps-like ability to locate things in stores, but this really is a golden opportunity to talk with people and show your appreciation. and then just invite them to church or a small group or some activity going on that weekend. and like that a seeker could be on the way to christian tranformation.

you know, grad school can teach you a lot of things, but it can't teach you how to get over the awkwardness of encounter. but it starts with baby steps, right? i read the book 'in his steps' a couple weeks ago, the book that launched the whole wwjd craze a few years ago, and this, coupled with a new outlook on spreading the word, is fueling me with all kinds of food for thought.

whoops, MY bad

2005-06-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

i wrote too soon. the foo fighters cd is now decidedly satisfactory, it just took a little 'getting used to' time. i still maintain that there aren't as many musical nuggets to get lodged into the ol' cerebral cortex, but the album has a nice unified feel that works for the foo. i can dig it.

don't rock the jukebox

2005-06-18T04:55:00.000-07:00

since coming back home to virginia i have fallen prey to what must only be a well-devised conspiracy by the music industry. i mean, honestly, why must all these bands be putting out stellar new albums all at the same time? beggin' your pardon, fcaa, but my bank account can't take it! but, sadly, as low as my account summary goes, i still manage to scrape some rather meager resources together to appease the entertainment demons. here's a sampling of recent cd's you might want to check out:

the surprise hit of the last two weeks is the new white stripes project 'get behind me, satan.' i had put in 'elephant' on my way to work a couple of weeks ago and rediscovered that, hey, this kind of garage/funk/simon and garfunkelness is actually pretty groovy, and on a lark purchased 'gbms.' i was blown away. it's a pretty different direction for the brother and sister combo, but there is a whole new level of lyrical and musical maturity here that fell just short of the mark with 'elephant.' this is a must have. acceptance has also put out their first full-length album, 'phantoms,' graduating from the 5-song ep 'black lines to battlefields.' if you dug this former effort, you will not be disappointed by the material on 'phantoms.' it is well-crafted, thoughtful, and it rocks out in all the right places. memphis-based lucero also just released their fourth album, 'nobody's darlings,' which is a solid follow-up to the alternative country vibe that came alive on 'that much further west.' the content still orbits around girls, rock and roll, and living life one juke joint at a time, but as always the songs are deeply soulful and a lot of fun. the new foo fighters cd 'in your honor' dropped in stores on tuesday, and i must say, i'm a little disappointed. since my first listen i have read dozens of reviews to make sure it's not just me and that i didn't just miss something while listening to it in traffic. the previous release 'one by one' was solid foo, a proper excuse to pump up the volume and let the light bulbs rattle. this one, though, well, it has a lackluster quality that never seemed to come down from the atmosphere and land on a real sturdy rhythm. it rather just feels like music for the sake of music. after a second try, the second acoustic disc made a valiant effort to regain its footing, and i'm sure that, over time, i'll come to appreciate the album on its own terms, but for now i'm more content to pop in green day's triumph, 'american idiot,' or copeland's soaring 'in motion' and let the good times roll.

road worn and prayerful

2005-06-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

well, 1500 miles and a couple nights of good sleep later, i am finally home in virginia. and it's strange, coming home to a place that has previously only really been a favored vacation site for the past 5 years or so. i will actually be able to put down some roots and transform the guest bedroom into something that at least dimly reflects me and my living environment. i am not looking forward to the day that the parental pampering ends and the burdens of responsibility set in. until then, though, i will simply enjoy the ride with my head leaned out the window.

and 1500 miles in a laden truck will teach you a couple things, whether you like it or not. first, turn signals mean business. you may, as i used to do, tend to disregard them as that whole 'negligible' part of driver's ed that pertained only to that nerd who sat in the front row, scribbling notes as if he would ever return to that oh so current pamphlet ever again. yeah. well, that may still be the case in rural towns and aggressive downtown gridlock you might say, but not for highway driving. but i have seen the light because, buddy, when an 18 wheeler decides to throw his bulk into your lane at the last second before impact, you'd best recognize the cautionary clout of that 2-inch diameter blinker and stomp on the brakes. only a suggestion, though.

second, to all of you driving a vehicle made after 1904, cruise control is actually a legitimate form of sanity control. i don't know whether it's more frustrating, embarrassing, or just tiresome to pass and be passed by the same car over and over and over again because, though my speedometer holds steady at 74, theirs oscillate anywhere between 53 and 85. it's those three little buttons on the side of your steering wheel, folks. learn it, live it, love it.

third, rain can actually be an asset for a long trip. of course it helps to have a good tread on your tires, but more than just washing away the splattered remains of once-insects it aids in keeping you more alert than perhaps you would be on a gorgeous, cloud-free day. so, the monsoons i was forced to endure in texas and arkansas really helped boost my attention rate in ways supplementary to the 3 gallon drum of dr. pepper in my cup holder.

but, too, the rain was a much needed baptism of sorts. it has been some time since i have been significantly removed from any kind of wearisome, often times overtaxing, academic setting, and i have forgotten what it feels like to live within the awe and wonder of God. in fulfillment of the educational skills and abilities promised, i can research and dissect and interpret with the best of 'em, and in doing so replacing amazement with intellectual prowess, spiritual honesty with justification, heart with mind. and certainly a balance must be struck between these, for one is incomplete without the other, but what scales have i been using? what scales have blinded me? and it comes down to this: i have tried so hard to love that i have overlooked the profundity of being loved. i suppose being a student has conditioned me in many ways to learn the right ways to love and not simply to let go, to allow the air between my heart and God to clear and dissipate away everything that i feel i must present to God as credit for my worth before him. how else can i pay the debt i owe, right?

may the rain please wash away my old mind and my old heart.

i must confess, as i begin this internship in fairfax this summer i am timid, to put it lightly. i will soon have more letters after my name than many people in the church, but in so many ways i feel as though i have more to learn about being a Christian than any seminary could offer. those nasty little skeletons in my closet keep me ever aware of how adrift my personal devotion and relationship with God are and how ill-equipped i feel to teach others about the joy God has to offer. and yet, transparency has its advantages, for when i am weak then i am strong, or so the passage goes. but of course, that's a hard pill to swallow, because who wants to admit defeat? if i can't be calm, cool, and collected, who am i?

a friend of mine once told me that the best way to move past painful obstacles or memories in life is to find the good things that resulted from those events. find the ways that God made himself known even when, at the time, things may have seemed rather bleak spiritually. this extends to the whole of our Christian walks, though, for our lives are defined by that one moment at baptism when we knew what it was to be rescued. while our personal histories appeared devoid of God's presence or anything spiritually redeeming to that point, God was pulling the strings just offstage so that we might come to recognize him for who he was and what he could offer. peace. rest. forgiveness. these, these are the things God calls us to teach others. these are the rudiments of a Christian education, realities more powerful than anything found in a classroom. but it's still tough to teach these things when they escape my desperate, grasping reach.

God, please draw me in close to you. please massage away these callouses that clothe my heart and take away my pretense. please let my frailty glorify your majesty and teach me to see you on the faces of those i meet. please teach me to let go, and to surrender to your passions instead of my own. please love me.

and let me know that i am loved.

happy easter! (or something like that)

2005-03-26T17:51:00.000-08:00

if you ever wondered how easter eggs were made.... you might want to shuffle the kids out of the room for this one.

act on (feeling alone)

2005-03-19T17:22:00.000-08:00

well, after friendly prodding from tyler i have managed to scrape together a few minutes and add another post. i have just returned from the wedding of a close friend from undergrad, have changed clothes, and am now ready to get uncomfortable.

i wouldn't say i get particularly emotional at weddings, but i do tend to be quite the sentimentalist. this is all internalized, of course, but now seems appropriate for being honest. i guess i feel as though the life and memories that i shared with her - the closeness we had as friends, the even closerness we had while dating, just the quality of life we lived when even remotely near one another - seems as though it is now bracketed and ready for filing. but you don't think to remember it at the time. you don't need to because you're there. and then you wake up two years later to a different life with different wallpaper. memories. those just suck sometimes.

but this is to say that i am glad she has found a husband and a great source of joy. she deserves it. and i know our relationship is anything but extinct, but the access to that segment of my life has just been significantly altered and i don't really have an active part in it anymore. and i just can't help looking beside me and seeing nothing but an empty pew and filmstrip playing out to the static of Past. i guess maybe i'm just feeling alone. this isn't to say i'm one of those desperates who pine for a spouse, because i'm not. i don't feel like i even should be at this point. but i do miss the closeness that comes with the formation of a memory. i miss that life.

but i guess that's what i am doing. in between living and going to school and inhaling and exhaling. creating memory. and maybe it doesn't have to have that kind of visceral, physical proximity to it. maybe the phenomenology that defines and gives value to memory is something that never has to fade. scent, smell, touch. i just have to keep it alive, renew it: reinvest it with appropriate meaning for where i am now. remember it for the moment it etched into my heart and let the 'who i once was' be the driving momentum for the 'who i can be now.' the formative virtue of memory. memory that doesn't color with age. wouldn't that be something.

for a complete soundtrack to tonight's thoughts check out www.reubensaccomplice.com

you need me like a bad habit

2005-02-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

as the first installment of what will more than likely become a steady drain on my already challenged economy of time, i would like to heartily welcome you all to the source of all wisdom, clever witticisms, and oh so banal anecdotes. or, if nothing else, i hope to make all of your wildest dreams come true. heck, you might even find a music review or two that could change your life.

as for me, i am currently closing in on the end of my second year of a master of divinity (with a missions emphasis) degree from acu in abilene, tx. for those of you who 'no habla espanol' and ask what a master of divinity actually means, good question: i hope to pass along that definition as soon as i find out. but cereally folks, it's equivalent to a seminary degree (minus the robes and pointy hat) which means hours upon hours of theology, philosophy, preaching, greek and hebrew, and textual criticism, and the missions qualifier bespeaks my plans to do long-term mission work in the czech republic in a quaint little burg called olomouc. i am on a team with 6 other cats (with the possibility of 2 more) who grew up together at the university of arkansas and decided to form a team and change the world. we leave in the fall of 2006 and are in various stages of education, fund-raising, wife-hunting, and evangelism to prepare ourselves as best we can.

in the 5 minutes of spare time i do find a week, though, i am an avid musicoholic (to coin a word) and spend far too long spelunking for new music on www.purevolume.com and trekking to dallas for shows. i've got 'taking back sunday' polluting the quietude of my living room at the moment and thrust a satisfied thumbs-up into the air for those interested in rocking your auditory canal.

well, i suppose the awkward silence here suggests an equally awkward goodbye, but thanks for reading, and i'll try to keep this as updated as possible - i'm makin' like michael and bolton.